January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. GatorGirl As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Laura Hope I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. Im torn. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. I wouldnt worry about ityet. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. No, not necessarily. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Parents get old and die. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. Years later, theyve never recovered. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. muchachaenlaventana Do you just go to your SO and say, Dear, before we do that we have to talk. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. Your I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. ReginaRey Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Heck, some people are just like that. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. I think its also different when it isnt your family. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. And I think this is the case here. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. So much fun and its free! Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. CottonTheCuteDog Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). ReginaRey Lindsay The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. If you are a big saver or spender, its likely your SO will just know that about you and the first time it comes up as an issue, you work it out. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Maybe thats what really got me thinking. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. leilani June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. However, its also a convenient excuse for However, my husband isnt like that at all. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? LW, you are not being unreasonable! That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Ann Cannon. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Some families really are just that close. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. By the time allathian They arent her parents. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. 1. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. GatorGirl What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. Im also close to my family, however, I never make my boyfriend feel left out and I always make him feel that he is the priority. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. Or I used to. GatorGirl Different strokes for different folks. Thatll probably shut them up. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. I can use a personal example as well. lets_be_honest But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. ForeverYoung January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. So why are you still with him? As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? As your history with him has shown, he likes spending every place has natural wonders. Some things you may never known until you move in together. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. He considers you a party breaker because you dont want to sit all day every weekend with his family and listen to the same stories. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. SpaceySteph Maybe something is up with his family? What way would you not want it to be? Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. All Im saying is be careful. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. Bike riding? If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. They live in a suburb of New York, where we live, and weve somehow gotten into a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Agreed. And he was a bore. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Another example is I would assume (i know, i know) if you knew me well enough to be dating me or moving in with me, you would probably know I am a big believer in X Y or X or totally anti XYZ. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Bagge72 So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. Laura Hope Its a worldwide treasure hunt. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Okay okay. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. Eh. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. But Ill tell you what. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. This too. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Yes, this. GatorGirl ForeverYoung I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. ForeverYoung Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? That was seven years ago. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Will.i.am That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. A picnic in the park? If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Bklyn Grl Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Im in the same situation as well. Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Trust me, I like to avoid problems just like the next person, but I think theres a difference between letting things slide and not being confrontational and willfully blinding yourself to the reality of your relationship. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. January 20, 2012, 3:04 pm. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. SpaceySteph If you dont like this? Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Yes. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. i really disliked him. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. I give up. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. lets_be_honest I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. Who keeps the dog? They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. GatorGirl June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. I come from a pretty tight knit family, and yea, when i was a kid i remember everyone coming over to mom and dads for Sunday lunch. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. 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